This isn’t one I’m going to openly share on Facebook. This isn’t one that is necessarily worth reading. This is just a woman- who needs to just throw some thing out there.
Honestly I might delete this.
Since March 13th I’ve had a LOT to write about- positive things, negative things, funny things, neutral things… just things… I’ve even outlined entire… what do you call a blog post? entries? they certainly aren’t articles and post sounds too… casual… well whatever they are… I’ve mapped out a few in my head. I want to write every week- just once a week; how hard can that be.
Hard it turns out.
Especially when your life is turned upside down- I’m aware that I’m not the only one who feels this way- you’d have to be incredibly self absorbed to think that you were the only one affected by things happening in the world right now. You’d also have to be living in a world where the internet didn’t exist to feel like you were the only one suffering right now. Part of the reason I haven’t written- or even posted on Facebook or Instagram or whatever about how I’m feeling is BECAUSE everyone is happily sharing their feelings and thoughts. And like every other aspect of my life- I see others talk and think to myself ‘well why bother? I don’t need the attention as much as they do’.
Which is bull.
I’m incredibly insecure- there are so many things that I do well but do not share publicly because of really stupid and frankly selfish reasons. They fall into 2 categories- 1) I see people of equal or lesser (usually the second) skill level who post things and get TONS of comments. I post something- I might get 1 like… maybe 10 if I’m lucky. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful, but it bugs me ’cause what am I doing wrong? How can I get the same level of praise as the other person? That’s shallow- I get that. I’m totally aware of how 6 years old that sounds. It still impacts me. It shouldn’t… but the 2nd thing is the bigger thing. I don’t think people care. More than that, I feel like when I share ANYTHING I’m bugging people. I’m trying to get over both of these things. ‘Cause they are not healthy for me and objectively I can see how childish and stupid it is to think that way. It’s still there though. I’ll get over it. You know eventually.
So I’ve not posted anything, I’ve not posted songs I’ve wanted to sing, I’ve not posted much art I’ve created, I’ve not rants or complaints, I’ve not posted much other than silly things my kids say. ‘Cause honestly my kids are hilarious and the world needs to know that. (my children are the one thing I’m not insecure about- ’cause the are fricken amazing!)
So how am I doing with this whole Covid thing.
I’m not ok. Not even a little. I’m actually ok with the ‘isolation’ thankfully I live in a state with less cases and less deaths and WAY more freedom than other states. I’ve learned over the last few weeks that although I’m not a huge fan of being stuck away from people- I’m kinda ok with it at the same time. Did not see that coming. I even love having my kids home.
But despite these two truths- I’m still not ok. I do like talking to others- I’d like to make some real friends again some day. Outside of my husband I probably have 3 people I could call friends- and all 3 of them are SO busy I talk to them *maybe* once a year? If that? I don’t really know *how* to have friends as an adult… I find that most of the time I’ll say whatever crosses my mind… and it’s not always the best thing to say… So yea- not sure what to do there.
I miss writing and I miss art. I have this gallery show that’s been hanging over my head for almost 2 years now… actually I think more than 2 years… I planned to get it done last summer- we moved last summer I didn’t work on it much. I planned to get it done last winter- I did something to my shoulder that made it almost impossible to draw, which was SUPER depressing… so I was depressed. I planned to get it done this Spring… well weird thing- with my whole family home I cannot find time to work on it. SO I plan on getting it done this summer… So I can have stuff to display this fall; ’cause I have 2 booths at various conventions that I’ve signed up for and paid for… and I have to get art done, printed and ready to sell/present in the next 3 months. That is possible- only if I start using my time better.
It’s hard- not just because family is home more; but I frankly haven’t been budgeting my time great. I find myself sinking into depression… and it is SO hard for me to get out of that once I start sinking… I write about this a lot; but it is just hard.
So that is where I’m at- writing a very stream of thought… thing… feeling guilty about the things I need to do that I haven’t done (laundry, housework, meal planning, art at all) and feeling overwhelmed by the things that I’m trying to do (which is that whole list plus the Book Lady thing that I do) I just feel… blah… maybe I’ll get on the treadmill.
That’s the other thing- I’ve WAY backslid on any of my fitness goals since this whole stupid thing started. I do have the treadmill set up again- it wasn’t for a bit there- SO I have removed some of the excuses not to exercise that I give myself. I want to measure myself; but really don’t at the same time. I have been keeping track of my weight- and while I’m not doing great (Feb 3 I weighed in at 240- right now I’m between 238 and 240 depending on the day) I at least haven’t gained back to 250ish (which is where I ended 2019) So yea- not feeling great there…
Right now I just want to watch a thing and draw. I don’t know what to watch or what to draw though lol.
anyhow- I think I’m going to stop ranting, post this thing- make a list and make a plan. Since I just paid for another year for this site… I’m going to try to actually use it…
We’ll see…
~Nikkie
Decidedly Nikkie 