Deflated

I kinda recently remembered this thing existed. I mean it has been in the back of my mind; specially since I’ve been paying for it… I seem to have a bad habit of paying for websites I don’t use. I need to fix that. I have a lot of meandering thoughts in my head- and because of that I hesitate to write. Truthfully because of that I’ve hesitated to write for awhile. I think that anything you do online comes with so much invisible pressure. I honestly don’t think any of it is real but it sure feels like it is.

I’ll have thoughts, “Do I have a topic to write about?” “Do I have a cohesive set of thoughts on that topic?” “should I outline it?” “does it matter? no one is going to really see this?” “should I make this look professional?” “should I try to make money with this” and always “should I be working on this I have so many other things to do?”

I doubt this is in anyway unique to me. I think I do mentally stretch myself to thin. I also worry so much about my online persona- should I be genuine? should I hide things about myself? does it really matter? I know I have only pieces of myself online- well in forums like this. I have a piece that is a mother, a piece that is an artist, a piece that is a write, a piece that desperately wants to improve her health, a piece that is religious. All those pieces and more make me… but I keep them separate and scattered. Why? Because I kinda want to hide. It is a contradiction to be online and trying to build a presence in ANYTHING and not be all there. It is stressful to remember who I am in each forum.

I think I started this blog to be unabashedly myself. And then I let it die- because being unabashedly myself is so hard. There are so many cruel people who have nothing better to do than to tear down those around them. For no reason other than they disagree with some part of their lives. I think everyone fears these people- though honestly; I’m not an important enough figure on the internet for them to care.

I know this is ramble-y… but sometimes that’s ok. I think?

I pretty sure I’m stretching myself thin in real life as well. I think that contributes to me snapping back so much. I want to be a good wife, mother, artist, friend… etc. I’m not sure I’m really good at any of it. I’m not afraid of failure- getting a BFA in Illustration taught me in many ways to embrace failure. It’s still hard when I fail though.

I yelled at a woman in the Micheal’s parking lot today. Not really at her not really. The only crime she had committed was approaching my car and asking if I was ok. I wasn’t- I was sitting there sobbing, reacting to several stupid somethings compounded with the fact that I hadn’t gotten enough sleep… for a few nights… Interestingly enough-I’d spotted her when I pulled in talking to her kids in her car. I hoped she was leaving. I hoped she wouldn’t see me. and more than anything- I hoped if she did notice me she’d not ask me if I was ok. At that moment- I really wasn’t. Worse yet- I really really wanted to scream at someone about anything.

Then she was there- and suddenly I was shouting about the fact that I wanted to be ok- that I should be ok… and a few other things. It was stupid really. She was kind- said it was ok- she just wanted to make sure I was (medically) ok. She left to go into the store. I cleared up my tears, and got my 2 year old out of the car and went in and found her and apologized. She smiled and said it wasn’t a big deal. It was to me- I don’t like falling apart that way- especially around strangers. She was kind; and ultimately I appreciated it. I do hope I never see her again- the whole situation was embarrassing.

Today was a hard day- my emotions are often like a roller coaster- sometimes I’m up high and life is beautiful and for a moment I’m calm and I can see everything. Then suddenly I’m pitching forward until I’m so far down that I feel like nothing exists except the terror. This week has been a tumbling down. This morning was frustrating. I took the kids to school; because my husband was moving very slowly- I wasn’t surprised- I know he didn’t get enough sleep last night- I know because I was awake nearly all night trying to keep the 2 year old sleeping. Anyway- so I quickly got myself dressed- into some work out clothes. My smallest work out clothes… so I looked like a kinda neon pink and yellow sausage thing. I figured if I was going to take the kids to school I was going to walk on the track near their school. So I grabbed my crappy walking stroller (my nice jogging stroller needs a new inner tube for one of the tires) and tried to fold it to put it in my car. It. Would. Not. Fold. I gave up because I just needed to get the kids to school.

Dropped the kids off- and then went on a quest for an inner tube. I started at Walmart- I was the least self conscious of my appearance here, because it is Walmart… I wasn’t the worst dressed person there by far. However… I ended up having to go to 2 different sporting goods stores to find the inner tube. Now I don’t mind being in exercise clothing, when I’m exercising. I figure people see a fat woman pushing a stroller they can judge if they want; but hey! I’m out exercising, so whatever. Shopping in my work out clothes… that is a different thing. Especially in a sports store where most of the employees are fit. Don’t get me wrong- none of them were mean or even the least bit condescending. I just felt self conscious.

The good news is I found my inner tube. Then I got home and discovered that I’d bought the one for the front tire of my stroller and not the back. SO I’ll have to get another one. Didn’t make it back today though. I’m sick of being overweight. It has been… weighing me down emotionally (bad pun, but it made me laugh inside so deal with it). I’m worried about my health; It was a little sad to see that my last post on here was announcing that I was starting a new weight loss thing… which I only stuck to for about a week if I remember, then I restarted it like 3 times. The only good news is: I don’t look that different right now even though I’ve gained nearly 20lbs in the past 2 years… eeek. My measurements aren’t even that much different.

The good news in this regard is this: My body is getting to the point (after nearly a month of semi regular walking) that I can start running. The fact that my limbs are basically begging to start running is a good sign. So once I resolve the jogger tire issue… I plan on incorporating some short bits of running into my morning walk.

I’m self conscious about my weight- even though I talk about it a lot. I’m about 120lbs overweight. 120lbs was my high school weight. So that’s… a fun thought….

on top of all of this my youngest has entered the first phase of ‘I can do it myself and I know more than you’. It is exhausting.

So there is a lot of it; just things- little disconnected things- that make me feel just so low and depressed. I could go on about moving into a new house; as positive as that is- it’s a lot of work and I feel so behind on unpacking. Packing as well… there is a lot of our stuff still at my mom’s house… I could vent about art and how much I need to do but never find time for there as well. I’m not going to; this is already to long.

I don’t expect anyone to read this. However, I’m glad I wrote it. I feel just a little lighter just typing it out. I’ll go ahead and publish it. If you read this- you don’t need to worry about commenting or even seeing if there is any way for you to help. I’m really going to be ok. I just had a bad day and needed to cry and needed to write.

I don’t know what the future of this blog is right now- but for today at least it was just a place to dump my thoughts.

~Nikkie