a few reflections as a mom

This is one of those things I’ve debated a little bit about posting, but I’ve decided to post it. If you read it- read the whole thing for context. 

I’m not a great mom, and I don’t say that to fish for compliments. I do my best, which is all I can do. I make sure my kids feel loved and cared for and try to teach them to make good decisions. BUT I’m not a great mom, I’m not even sure I’d qualify as a good mom, my home is a mess more often than not, and I hate it. 

I have a manic bipolar disorder, that manifests itself as crippling depression and awful anxiety. Having a messy house make it hard for me to function because the anxiety part of my brain frets and freaks out about the messes, which is exhausting… the depression side of me wants to curl up because it’s overwhelmed. All of this takes a physical tole on me causing me to feel exhausted because of the literal emotional war going on inside my head. 

I actually DON’T like talking about this. Not because I think people will think I’m weak, not even because I don’t think people would understand, more because it is my business. I know I’ve made a few posts on facebook, and a few more here on my blog when I just need to get the thoughts out. I don’t write these things down for people to read- not really. 

I write to sort my thoughts and untangle the knot of emotion and dread that sometimes overtakes me.  

2019 was a hard year for me.  It had no right to be, I finally (mostly) finished with college, and got my BFA in Illustration.  (more on that later) We purchased our first house!  We actually went on a little trip for our anniversary (just an overnight thing), this has only been the 2nd time in 11 years that we’ve been able to do that. 

My older kids are thriving in their new school, and both are making friends and doing amazing academically.  My youngest is the smartest thing I’ve ever met and she’s developing into an amazing little girl.Honestly, Last year had SO many highlights!!

And yet…

Most of the year I fought with depression and anxiety, and it was a big fight.  It didn’t help that I felt GUILTY for having feelings of both depression and anxiety, life was good! I should feel good as well.  And yet…  Here I was feeling like my whole soul was dragging on the ground…

…then 2019 ended with the whole family getting this awful flu-like cold, we were sick collectively from the 15th of December until about the 8th of January!  Everyone is fine now, with the exception of the youngest who has a cough still and seems to be coming down with yet another cold.

This resulted in January being difficult, The house is a mess- there are still opened, but not played with Christmas presents in our front room.  We just all felt that badly! House is a total disaster as I’ve been in maintenance mode pretty much this entire time.

SO back to the Mom thing.

I do my best and one of the things I do is that I’m very very very open with my kids about my emotional disorder.  Not to burden them, but to help them understand why I do things or why I don’t do things, and also because there is a chance they’ll have to deal with similar disorders as they grow up.  Hopefully not- my husband doesn’t suffer from anything like this, so hopefully they’ll favor him in this regard.

Today I had a hard time getting going, I was so exhausted that I got up and sat on the couch and fell back to sleep- and while some of it was sleep related (I’ve been getting terrible sleep this week) some of it was also my emotional issues.

My 10 and 7 year old made bagels for themselves and the 3 year old.  They played all together and watched a few cartoons.  They were wonderful. 

When I got up and got showered and sat down to talk to them they hugged me and we made a plan about how to get the house clean.  (I explained to them that part of my lack of energy was the fact that I was feeling overwhelmed by the messy house).It still isn’t perfect but they cleaned up toys, trash, blankets and whatever else needed it in a few rooms that they play in- and did it kindly without crying or yelling. 

It was AMAZING, I’m so grateful to them. 

We have more to clean tomorrow, and they’ve promised that they’ll help- our goal is to get everything caught up by Monday night.  Hopefully we can.

I’m not a great mom, but I do my best, but you know what I can say? I’ve got great children, they are kind, independent, capable, and aware of how others feel.  And while every day doesn’t always go well, or is sometimes down right terrible… sometimes I’ll argue or fight with them about a rule or a chore… ultimately they know how to be wonderful when people need it.

I’ve got AMAZING kids.

So maybe, just maybe, despite my short comings; I’m doing ok at this whole mom thing.

Maybe I’m even an OK mom. 

Possibly even a good one.