Have you ever heard a song, smelled a sent or seen a picture that pulled you back into another place, another time? One that so unexpectedly took you out of your current reality and swirled the world around you and left you breathless standing somewhere from long ago? It could be something you’ve experience a million times and have never had such a strong reaction to, but then just suddenly it catches you at the right moment and you are somewhere far far away.
This happened to me tonight, I turned on some music and was working on a very different blog post and this song drifted on to my Spotify play list. It fit so perfectly to what I was working on that it lifted up my soul and flew me back to when I was 20.
20 was the last year of my life where I could devote my time to just ‘me’ pursuits, in many ways the last time I was free. I don’t say that to suggest for even a moment that I feel trapped in my life now, but the freedom of youth, of not having the same kind of responsibilities as an adult is a very different experience than my life now. At that time I could spend my time where I was not at work, writing, drawing, playing, going and doing nothing with dear friends.
To say I do not mourn the loss of that time of my life would be untrue. I think everyone who steps from the selfish excitement of innocence into the more challenging existence of caring for others and often having to put them before yourself sometimes yearns for those days when they had the time to just sit and breath.
I do think that is the trick of life though, we constantly move forward in our existence, each chapter a little different than the last, a little more difficult, a little easier, a little scarier and a little more comforting. I’m reminiscing about a time that was merely 15 yeas ago, about a girl who had no idea the gift of time that she had, somewhat longing for just a day in that life.
In another 15 years I’ll have something else that triggers my senses and brings me back to this time I’m in now. This time of drying tears, wiping noses, potty training, playing silly games and frustratedly trying to get my kids to just pick up that darn toy that’s been on the stairs for the last week and a half that they don’t seem to see and yet I trip on each time I walk past it.
I’ll say to myself, that girl didn’t know what she had! I wish I could live a day in her life, when the children were small and right there next to me and I could take them anywhere I wanted to, where we didn’t have to all of this extra to worry about. It will be a different world then and no doubt I will look back at the me now, the one typing this up and say to myself, ‘oh what you didn’t know!’ much like I am right now, watching my 20 year old self through older eyes.
I suppose more than anything as I sat here and reflected on the waltz of memories before my eyes, It made me remember how much each day is a gift, and the things that are hard today will be conquered eventually. The things that are beautiful today will linger in my heart forever.
Nikkie
Decidedly Nikkie 